FLOGGING A DEAD HORSE: THE TRUTH ABOUT MARVEL!™

[MattBrady]

<i>by Paul Jenkins</i>

Yes, folks… because you would have asked for it if you'd known about it: the sordid details behind my secret visit to the hallowed halls of Marvel! We present the first in a random series of hard-look comic news articles - Flogging a Dead Horse brings you…</font>

<b><font size="3" face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif">… the Truth About Marvel!™ </font></b>

<font size="2" face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif">… First of all, let me apologize for the tardiness of this week’s article (we normally ship projects out from our immense writing warehouses on a Wednesday for Thursday internet delivery). This lateness is directly due to the MASSIVE project I have been commissioned to produce. I say without shame that this is possibly the House of Ideas’ biggest and most ambitious project ever and that my particular contribution to it will almost certainly Change Marvel Forever®! Yes, that’s right… in fact it’s so huge that it will not only break the internet in half but once it has done so, it’ll shoot the two broken halves with a pellet gun, tear those two remaining halves in two more halves and then say something to insult all four pieces..!

Click <a href="http://www.newsarama.com/general/Flogging/Flogging09.htm">here</a> for the full column...

[BlueThunderArmy]

Originally posted by MattBrady
in fact it’s so huge that it will not only break the internet in half but once it has done so, it’ll shoot the two broken halves with a pellet gun, tear those two remaining halves in two more halves and then say something to insult all four pieces!

Ultimate Dick Cheney!

[artiepants]

That painting's actually pretty damn good.

[Jon Snow]

The Return of Uncle Ben. The Death of Everyone except Sally Floyd and the Sentry. MODOK rapes Gwen Stacy. Thor revealed to be Typeface. Ultimate Paul Jenkins.


I say AYE to all of the above.
But damn, that mental image of Gwen being raped by MODOk is really creepy... do you suppose he´s... proportionate?

Yeah, and i want to see Ultimate Paul Jenkins, too.
I´m sure that Paul Jenkins 2099 and New Universe Paul Jenkins would rock too!

That said, i´m waiting to hear what this über secret project is.
Jenkins always delivers.

[AlexLothos]

Walking to Manhattan from JFK to avoid "fake" cabbies. :D

Joe has commissioned a Stepford Child, paid for by his ill-gotten gains as Editor in Chief.
I want one of those, too. But first I need a Stepford Wife (but one that doesn't already have demon kids like my ex :mad: )

Torak- Fun name, but has "anti-Stepford Child" written all over it...

[Stephen H. Segal]

Hey Paul Jenkins:

I wanted to point out a danger you might not have considered: Name the kid Torak, and it follows that his proper name would actually be "Kal Torak," and then when the anal retentive grade-school teacher calls on "Kal" to answer a question in class, they won't know whether she's calling on him or on his classmate, Kal-el Coppola Cage.

Just a thought.

* * *
Stephen H. Segal
www.earthlingmagazine.com

[HNutz]

I dunno... that mental image of MODOK both intrigues and perturbs me. What does it say about me if THAT's the idea I'd most want to see?

And it IS kinda creepy how none of the pics came out. Like the Ring....

[ErictheRed]

Originally posted by BlueThunderArmy
Ultimate Dick Cheney! He eats people!:D

[Rawle Austin]

Never thought I'd see old Paddington Bear (last picture) on Newsarama. :eek:

The true cause of Marvel's Civil War stands revealed!!! :D


Growler:cool:

[sequart]

Joe shows me his Wall of Doom, which is a huge theater that is so acoustically perfect you can hear an amoeba fart from clear across the room.

This one got me. Nice work Paul!

[Amoebas]

TRUTH: Joe shows me his Wall of Doom, which is a huge theater that is so acoustically perfect you can hear an amoeba fart from clear across the room.

This is simply not true. I was nowhere near NYC last weekend.

[themidnitedr]

A good time as always.

[JLAJRC]

The Kneecap Squad: from left, Aubrey Sitterson, Mollay Lazer, Andy Schmidt and Tom Brevoort. I asked them to smile. Notably absent are Cory Sedlmeier (no public photos as a term of his parole) and Axel Alonso (on "vacation"). Yeah, Right... just like my Uncle Vinny Diamante.


So that's where the Term "Marvel Zombie" comes from.

:)

[Twigglet]

That column was great. I can't wait for Jenkins secret.

And I LOLd at Quesada's naked band.

[Darren J. Gendron]

Originally posted by ErictheRed
He eats people!:D

My knee-jerk reaction was, "But how is that different than 616 Cheney?"
And then I realized it - He eats people, but with less back-story!

[BRSalazar]

Hey Paul,

I am very much enjoying the column. Funny, funy, stuff.

Also very glad to see that everything is going well with baby Turok. Don't know if you remember me from WWChi last year but I was the drunk guy you told about the pregnancy, and I've been dying to congratulate you on it since. Except, I wasn't sure if it was okay yet. Glad to see everything is well.

BTW, loved X-Men Mythos and the new Sentry, Keep up the good work, and I hope to see you in Chi-town again this year.

I still have those Guiness for you!

Brian

[Tiger47]

Originally posted by BlueThunderArmy
Ultimate Dick Cheney!

Is there such a thing as an Ultimate MAX book?

[TheFoo]

Best. Quote. Ever.

Little known FACT: The collective noun for a group of editors is a “Lynch Mob” of Editors

Thats going in my sig!

[OCM]

These columns remind me that I like Jenkin's sense of humour and wish he was doing a light-hearted book ala Slott! I miss his early Spidey stories!

However, that image of Modook messing around with ANYONE is disturbing! Throw in the necrophilia and Modok messing with a dead Gwen Stacey and that's just really wrong! (ok ok I know that he was probably talking about a retroactive thing ala Identity Crisis, humour me!)

[Varrus]

yet another hilarious column! I nearly popped the eyeballs out of my head trying to hold the laughter in so I didn't disturb my co-workers...and so that they didn't know that I wasn't actually working... *cough* ...damn you, Jenkins! You will get me in trouble at work one of these days! :D

[samnoir]

They need to hire Paul Jenkins to be the new Ultimate Stan Lee.

Marvel needs to bring back Stan's Soapbox, with Paul writing.

His run on Spiderman had some genuinely funny moments. My favourite was the fight with the Vulture in the snowstorm.
___________________________________

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[Scavenger]

Originally posted by Darren J. Gendron
My knee-jerk reaction was, "But how is that different than 616 Cheney?"
And then I realized it - He eats people, but with less back-story!

I'm sorry, but ...

BWHAH-HAH-HAH-HAH-HAH-HAH!!!!!!!

[RedRonin]

Best colum so far.

I agree Paul should do some kind of humor book.

The Empire State Building line got me to laugh a little to loud.

As did:
Originally posted by Darren J. Gendron
My knee-jerk reaction was, "But how is that different than 616 Cheney?"
And then I realized it - He eats people, but with less back-story!

[Paul Jenkins]

Originally posted by BRSalazar
Hey Paul,

I am very much enjoying the column. Funny, funy, stuff.

Also very glad to see that everything is going well with baby Turok. Don't know if you remember me from WWChi last year but I was the drunk guy you told about the pregnancy, and I've been dying to congratulate you on it since. Except, I wasn't sure if it was okay yet. Glad to see everything is well.

Brian

I remember Brian... Brian was a good guy. I remember he bought me drinks. I remember he slipped some kind of powder in one of them. I don't remember much after that. I never did find my wallet, that was pretty strange.

Growler, I see you are in Streatham... that is brilliant. My Nan and Grandad lived just down near Tooting Bec common for many years... on Nimrod Road. I can't tell you how many times I have been mugged in Streatham. Oh, how we laughed.

Stephen, thanks for alerting me to the Kal-El situation. It would be infinitely worse if we were calling him Zach, or Josh, or something like that. That's just asking to get beaten up.

Looks like I accidentally mis-typed Molly Lazer's name. Now I am screwed. Turns out she is the owner of the crowbar. I got a reverse charges call from Axel Alonso in "Jamaica" after this week's column ran. It's weird, because on the caller ID it said, "Ryker's Island," which is quite a strange coincidence. I never accept those calls because Ron Garney lives there too and Ron scares me.

Thanks for reading along, gang... I am currently on the road to both Los Angeles and then Vancouver. I will file a report next week and I promise, no exaggeration this time. Nigh Perfect is at home on bed rest. I missed her today (Valentine's day) but here you go, babe... flowers from LA! :D

[Rawle Austin]

Originally posted by Paul Jenkins


Growler, I see you are in Streatham... that is brilliant. My Nan and Grandad lived just down near Tooting Bec common for many years... on Nimrod Road. I can't tell you how many times I have been mugged in Streatham. Oh, how we laughed.



It's a small world, eh? Aint been down Tooting Bec for ages! When were you last in Streatham? ;) What can I tell you? Er... our local comic shop sadly closed down late last year after a year of trading. Next time you're in the area give me a shout and I'll take you out for a drink.

Great to see the success you're having at Marvel these days. A real inspiration. Keep up the quality!

Growler:cool:

[Da_Black_Goku]

in fact it’s so huge that it will not only break the internet in half but once it has done so, it’ll shoot the two broken halves with a pellet gun, tear those two remaining halves in two more halves and then say something to insult all four pieces!



BWAHAHAHAA… this dude cracks me up.



We watch the first two minutes of the Iron Giant, during which time I suffer three epileptic seizures.



BWAHAHAHAA



Among my “Mega-moment” requests that are rejected:

· The Return of Uncle Ben.

· The Death of Everyone except Sally Floyd and the Sentry.

· MODOK rapes Gwen Stacy.

· Thor revealed to be Typeface.

· Ultimate Paul Jenkins.



HEE HEE HEE HEE

[BRSalazar]

Originally posted by Paul Jenkins
I remember Brian... Brian was a good guy. I remember he bought me drinks. I remember he slipped some kind of powder in one of them. I don't remember much after that. I never did find my wallet, that was pretty strange.
:D

THAT WAS BRUBAKER!

He slipped it in the tequilla. He kept rambling something about "...I'll prove Jenkins is the Void dammit!".

After that the world went to shadow and I woke up in Joe Q's hotel room crying on the bathroom floor.

[Chaddice]

Originally posted by Rawle Austin
It's a small world, eh? Aint been down Tooting Bec for ages! When were you last in Streatham? ;) What can I tell you? Er... our local comic shop sadly closed down late last year after a year of trading. Next time you're in the area give me a shout and I'll take you out for a drink.



There's a Forbidden Planet just across from the entrance to West Croydon, I'm sure you know. There's another indy store down next to the Church Street tram there as well... although it may be a few years before we get that magical Streatham-Coulsdon line that will take us to comics, without wasting the cover price of The Sentry on an unnecessary ticket...

sigh



The Chad foundation does not promote fare dodging or barrier jumping.

[Jeremy Williams]

That`s it, I want a bear fight between Brevoort and John Byrne.

[Rawle Austin]

Originally posted by Chaddice
There's a Forbidden Planet just across from the entrance to West Croydon, I'm sure you know. There's another indy store down next to the Church Street tram there as well... although it may be a few years before we get that magical Streatham-Coulsdon line that will take us to comics, without wasting the cover price of The Sentry on an unnecessary ticket...

sigh



The Chad foundation does not promote fare dodging or barrier jumping.

I know that Forbidden Planet well, I used to work there for a year and a half from '97 to 98. Good times, good times...

I mostly go to the Forbidden Planet in Shaftesbury Ave as it's near to work and has a good range.

Awaiting the Sentry trade...


Growler:cool: