FLOGGING A DEAD HORSE: MY MOST STUPID INJURIES

[MattBrady]

<img src="http://www.newsarama.com/general/Flogging/INjuredFLog.jpg" width="250" height="266" align="right"><i>by Paul Jenkins</i>

It has been a long-standing joke amongst my friends that I am so injury prone I could trip over a blade of grass.

As you will recall, I am the only person in history who has set fire to water. You may draw your own conclusions from this. I prefer to think of myself as unlucky. Even so, my yearly battles with General Stupidity Disorder show no signs of abating.

Football (or “soccer” for you Yanks) is my kryptonite. I have broken so many bones playing this stupid bloody game that last year the Atlanta Institute of Orthopedics presented me with its coveted Patient of the Decade award for my (financial) contributions to medicine. The people at my insurance company refer to me as “Black Monday.”

The other day, a couple of football buddies and I were sitting around jawing about various injuries we have had. My mates love me to death, I am sure, because I still can put the ball in the back of the net… but I probably play one game in four thanks to injury. “Jenks,” one of them asked, “can you remember all the concussions you have had?

I could not. How weird is that?

Click here (http://www.newsarama.com/general/Flogging/Flogging07.htm) for the full column.

[algertman]

Number Nine – “Paul’s Pole”

viagra can fix that

[wishlish]

C'mon, Matt- share the picture! We're comic book fans. We've survived the worst retcons and stories imaginable. We've all bought a Rob Liefeld comic at one point; surely Paul's injury can't be any more disgusting than Rob's anatomy drawings.

[Jess Nukem]

Paul, just post it in our Disturbing Picture thread in the Talk@ forum.

And, Wishlish, Rob Liefeld's artwork may be painful to look at, it's hardly something to lose your lunch over.:rolleyes:

This is something to lose your lunch over.

http://i1.tinypic.com/mllguu.jpg

[Jess Nukem]

Paul, just post it in our Disturbing Picture thread in the Talk@ forum.

And, Wishlish, Rob Liefeld's artwork may be painful to look at, it's hardly something to lose your lunch over.:rolleyes:

This is something to lose your lunch over.

http://i1.tinypic.com/mllguu.jpg

[johnchrist]

There are a few things I've learned in life;
5. If you mountain bike without gloves eventually you'll need to put bits of meat back into the palm of your hand.
4. If you snowboard off an X-Games jump in Aspen you'd better have a helmet on.
3. If you bike along Truckee River completely drunk you might want to have a headlamp because the rocky side of the river is just on your left.
2. If your raft shoots against the American River's bank you have to get really flat to avoid errant branches.
1. If you finish off the night with a full pint of undilluted Spiced Rum you're going to wake up bloody and confused like in that scene from Godfather with the Horse's Head.

[Kolimar]

Originally posted by Jesse Newcomb
Paul, just post it in our Disturbing Picture thread in the Talk@ forum.

And, Wishlish, Rob Liefeld's artwork may be painful to look at, it's hardly something to lose your lunch over.:rolleyes:

This is something to lose your lunch over.

http://i1.tinypic.com/mllguu.jpg

You're way too sensitive. That's just a poor animal. :p :D

[President Kang]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v319/UltimateThor/annanicolejenkins.jpg

Jenkins, you dog you. Attaboy.

[Paul Jenkins]

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Jesse Newcomb
[B]Paul, just post it in our Disturbing Picture thread in the Talk@ forum.


Okay... if someone explains how I do that I will start a new thread. I just tried it... but I could not work out how to attach the picture.

[Jess Nukem]

Originally posted by Paul Jenkins
[QUOTE]Originally posted by Jesse Newcomb
[B]Paul, just post it in our Disturbing Picture thread in the Talk@ forum.


Okay... if someone explains how I do that I will start a new thread. I just tried it... but I could not work out how to attach the picture.


I tried searching for that thread, but the search function is disabled now. It's apparent that MattB does not want us seeing that picture.

Just put the address of the picture between the tags.
[IMG]


I really want to see that picture. I love gross pictures.:D

[wishlish]

Originally posted by Jesse Newcomb
I tried searching for that thread, but the search function is disabled now. It's apparent that MattB does not want us seeing that picture.

Just put the address of the picture between the tags.
[IMG]


I really want to see that picture. I love gross pictures.:D

That animal is so damn cute! Not gross at all.

Paul, I did want to tell you how much I loved your work on the latest Hulk game. That was a fantastic package. Everyone associated with that project should pat themselves on the back for one of the best games I've ever played.

[samnoir]

Someone please give Jenkins the next Ghost Rider mini to write.

Alternatively, DC should give him a Black Racer ongoing immediately.

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[JLAJRC]

I know this may sound insensitive, but I was laughing so hard that I almost cried. Sorta like when someone gets hit in the crotch on America's Funniest Home Videos.

Best article yet.

[SFRosenzweig]

Paul I love your work, but so far I have your stupid injuries beat. Yours have the benefit of making you look athletic and cool. Mine just make me look stupid.

When I was 18 I somehow managed to light my hair on fire while lighting the candles on the Chanukiah (Menorah) during Chanukah. My mother became hysterical and it took two days to convince her that I wasn't suicical.

I will be quite pleased to hand you back the trophy for stupidity if numbers 1-8 on your list are worse.

[joe.pascone]

This made my night. Thanks.

Try snowboarding. If you can take a lump, it's the thing for you. Plus you won't have to worry about becoming chopsticks.

[naphtha]

another great column, thanks Jenks!

[bairdduvessa]

in third grade my dad decided that we should all learn how to ski. Now even though both of my parents and iblings had athletic genes, they skipped me.

While going up the poeny rope pull (for lil kids to go down a bunny slope).

I fell, instead of stopping the damn thing the instructers just let people continue to ski over me until I somehow rolled out of the way.

The end.

[industri]

Growing up, my Mom decided to modify my old standard 70s bike into a BMX (like all the other 80s kids had) - so she bought new handlebars and new tires. She was NOT mechanically inclined and this resulted in NUMEROUS injuries...

1 - Falling forward over the handlebars of your bike, landing in a ditch (head first) with your feet hanging into traffic and some nasty cuts in a VERY sensitive locale (from the bike's gooseneck)

2 - Pulling a wheelie over a raised patch at the edge of a new parking lot only to watch the wheel fall off, bounce twice and roll away while the forks of my bike dug into the pavement in a brilliant slow-motion sequence... I can STILL see the whole thing play out clear as day.

3 - 2 days later, I'm describing the above incident, showing what I did by pulling a similar wheelie (assured the wheel was tighetened this time) when EXACTLY the same thing happened. Natural selection sure took it's toll on me...

(Oh, and the bike wound up stolen and run over... somehow a fitting end to such a beast)

Further injuries:

4 - Cutting into my thumb on a bandsaw... trailing blood all over class until I could finally get the teacher's attention. His response to the cupped pool of blood in my other hand? "Oh - let's get that washed off"

5 - Baseball bat (aluminum) straight across the chest

6 - Dart in the back (I think it's customary to wait until the person you're playing against has finished retrieving their darts before throwing)

7 - Nearly paralyzed myself snowboarding... landed on my neck and shoulders due to my extreme confidence (you're NOT supposed to go from the bunny hill to a decent sized run in under 2 hours? Oh! Where were you guys when I was snowboarding?) - what's worse, I had an unrelated medical appointment a week later and wound up lying on a hospital gurney with THROBBING pain in my lower back and shoulders, unable to inform the doctor for fear of having my appointment pushed back by what could have been up to 3 months...

*sigh*

Are there any more idiot trophies around?

i.

[Paul Jenkins]

>>6 - Dart in the back (I think it's customary to wait until the person you're playing against has finished retrieving their darts before throwing)

Yes... watch for more in our occasional series because there is a stupid darts accident in there. It will terrify and amaze you.

I am inclined to present some kind of Newsarama No-Prize for the most stupid act ever, so keep them coming in, chums. One of my stupid injuries is not really an injury, it is more mental than physical. I won't spoil it for you but I will say it involves a sheep.

Certain comics pros reading this will have heard this story at conventions and are already vomiting on their shoes.

One of you guys has the photo of my ankle now (I am too much of a Luddite to put up a photo without breaking my computer) so hopefully, there will be a link to it soon. Poor Matt Brady... he wrote back to me today to say this photo made him physically ill. That is just the sort of reaction I was hoping for!

One last thing: some of you seemed to think the picture of Spidey was something I pulled off the net. Actually, it was taken at my house. You guys need to come to my house. We have fun there.

[Paul Jenkins]

>>6 - Dart in the back (I think it's customary to wait until the person you're playing against has finished retrieving their darts before throwing)

Yes... watch for more in our occasional series because there is a stupid darts accident in there. It will terrify and amaze you.

I am inclined to present some kind of Newsarama No-Prize for the most stupid act ever, so keep them coming in, chums. One of my stupid injuries is not really an injury, it is more mental than physical. I won't spoil it for you but I will say it involves a sheep.

Certain comics pros reading this will have heard this story at conventions and are already vomiting on their shoes.

One of you guys has the photo of my ankle now (I am too much of a Luddite to put up a photo without breaking my computer) so hopefully, there will be a link to it soon. Poor Matt Brady... he wrote back to me today to say this photo made him physically ill. That is just the sort of reaction I was hoping for!

One last thing: some of you seemed to think the picture of Spidey was something I pulled off the net. Actually, it was taken at my house. You guys need to come to my house. We have fun there.

[wishlish]

click here:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/86792416@N00/91767373/

Warning: not for the squeamish. Kinda cool, actually.

[mic123]

Well, if there's to be a competition, I gotta at least get special mention for this baby-

I fell out of a tree, about four, five feet at the most, and I broke my spine. Trying to recover a frisbee. You've got to admit, that's pretty stupid. The nurses all loved introducing me to each new patient who came onto my ward.

There's so, so much more I could share with you, so what to say?

Yes, I was drunk.

I was laid on my back for six weeks, barely allowed to move. And then when I could get up I had two months of wearing a corset-type thing with a backboard.

My left leg was shattered and had to be pinned back together.

The vertebra still has the indent where the one above dove into it. It looks great, wish I could show you the x-ray.

Strangely enough, I am now tee-total.

The frisbee, by the by, fell out of the tree shortly after I landed painfully. We like to think that it was my impact shook it loose.

[rockieman]

That was pretty damn funny!! I can't wait to laugh over #1-8, as well as all the other stories people keep posting.

[JLAJRC]

Originally posted by mic123
Well, if there's to be a competition, I gotta at least get special mention for this baby-

I fell out of a tree, about four, five feet at the most, and I broke my spine. Trying to recover a frisbee. You've got to admit, that's pretty stupid. The nurses all loved introducing me to each new patient who came onto my ward.

There's so, so much more I could share with you, so what to say?

Yes, I was drunk.

I was laid on my back for six weeks, barely allowed to move. And then when I could get up I had two months of wearing a corset-type thing with a backboard.

My left leg was shattered and had to be pinned back together.

The vertebra still has the indent where the one above dove into it. It looks great, wish I could show you the x-ray.

Strangely enough, I am now tee-total.

The frisbee, by the by, fell out of the tree shortly after I landed painfully. We like to think that it was my impact shook it loose.

How are you today? I hope you're 100%. Tee-total? Don't you mean a tea-totaler?

[joe.pascone]

Originally posted by wishlish
click here:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/86792416@N00/91767373/

Warning: not for the squeamish. Kinda cool, actually.
Bah.

My buddy dislocated and fractured his ankle in 12 different places, resulting in nine screws and a metal plate. His crime? Landing on a shotput toeboard after doing a reverse [think a quick jump to regain your balance]. He rolled about 235 at the time. Enjoy the noise your brain just made whilst imagining that.

My uncle blew his achilles by not only rupturing it and having it roll up into his calf, but also by snapping a piece of bone off of the ball of his foot. He finished his rugby game, blood alcohol content at the time unknown, and only realized something was wrong when his shoe balked at attempts of removal.

I eat ankle injuries for breakfast.

Me though? 3 broken bones and no horror stories. I get to watch them. It's only slightly better. You get the horror, but not the truth of the story. When I regale people I come off like a Bill Bradski skit. Or James Frey. But I don't ache when it gets cold or rainy, so really, it's a push.