FLOGGING A DEAD HORSE: THE MIRACLE OF BIG BIRD

[MattBrady]

<img src="http://www.newsarama.com/general/Flogging/111bigbirdtiffsilho.jpg" width="190" height="325" align="right"><i>by Paul Jenkins</i>

I started yelling at the television when I was three.

It was <i>Sesame Street</i> that first got to me, and Big Bird in particular: I hated that fluffy yellow bastard because he was in charge of the “One of These Things is Not Like the Other One” spot. Even at the age of three, I could tell this guy was an idiot.

What really drove me berserk was when they would put up, like, two triangles and a boat, or something. This would make me rant and rave at Big Bird: “What the hell is wrong with you, you freak? The odd one out is a bloody ocean liner! The first two are little geometric shapes and the third transports people to America!”

And it got worse. Big Bird used to go searching for Ernie all around Sesame Street but he could never find him. If it were me the first place I would have searched was in Bert’s bed because that’s where Ernie seemed to spend most of his time. But failing that how about looking behind you, you moron!

Big Bird never listened and as a consequence I grew up with a healthy loathing for (a) people wearing yellow feather outfits and (b) anyone who didn't seem to be able to spot the difference between, say, <i>a ferret and a hovercraft</i>.

Click here (http://www.newsarama.com/general/Flogging/Flogging06.htm) for the full column.

[Marchie77]

only one of them has a mars bar stuck on his head big bird!!!

[Troy Brownfield]

I feel your pain on the Colts. While it was definitely out of character for Mike V. to miss that kick (considering that he's historically one of the most accurate of all time), I'm with you in blaming the early game-plan. You have Edgerrin f'n James on your team, he runs over the defense, and you . . . don't give him the ball back. ARG. (Believe me, I could do a gigantic breakdown of their breakdown, including the fact that Stokely made a huge catch . . . and then they didn't throw his way again. Huh? What the hell happened in Peyton's head?)

And the woman who taught the childbirth class that my wife and I attended was also nuts. Maybe it's required.

[BrotherI]

MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHA!

I'm almost jealous of such a hilarious life.

Sesame Street...that was filled with se-xy double-entendres. And then they brought out the Tickle-Me-Elmo...they were asking for it!

Brilliant column!

[Bllesed]

Great column, laughed me ass of:D
Waiting for Civil project..
Cheers

[Spikey_Jim]

Why Jenkins I used to respect you! Crystal Palace?!! :p

Super Leeds!

Jim
(Who knows at least half of you won't make head or arse out of that! :D )

[Dragonmarked]

Hah hah! Funny stuff. Marchie77, that signature is brilliant!

[BlueThunderArmy]

You'll have to write about when/if you have the discussion on whether to eat the placenta. It's quite healthy from what I understand... but I sure as hell wouldn't touch it.

[EubeenHadd]

One of the funniest things I have read in awhile, now I can't get it out of my head, "Hi, I'm Troy Mcclure....." hehe

[JAG]

Is she still teaching that class? I swear we had the same lady. DId you see the C-section video too? :eek:

[delawarejoel]

Originally posted by JAG
Is she still teaching that class? I swear we had the same lady. DId you see the C-section video too? :eek:

Fetus Frightening

Apparently it is a requirement for these classes to be taught by lunatics and part of the gig is a movie to terrify the already-emotionally distraught moms about everything that could go wrong in childbirth. The class I took with my exwife involved a woman who spent most of her time discussing her own child's Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles birthday party. When men were asked what their greatest fear about childbirth was, one of us in the crowd voiced his concerns over the size of a particular aspect of their forthcoming man-child's anatomy. I thought the woman was going split in half with rage and embarassment.

I love this column. Non linear rules!

[leafinsectma]

I love the one where Troy Mclure goes "You may remember me from such films as 'Today We Kill, Tomorrow We Die' and 'Gladys The Groovy Mule'" :p

[pmpknface]

That was too funny! I have to learn not to eat and read this column at the same time. I almost sprayed turkey all over my screen.

[KyleV]

Super Leeds!

Leeds United my rear end! Go Man. U! :)

(Just want to represent for the 50% of us who DID get that!)

[Jack Assen]

"Finally, I have decided to write a Manifesto of Hatred sometime soon. Can anyone tell me why Martha Stewart, Tom DeLay or Paris Hilton are not currently incarcerated?

Anyone?"

That would be wealth.

[darrik]

one of these things is not like the others. Anyone?

Um, the circle because it's not pointy?

[BlueThunderArmy]

Finally, I have decided to write a Manifesto of Hatred sometime soon. Can anyone tell me why Martha Stewart, Tom DeLay or Paris Hilton are not currently incarcerated?

Anyone?

Well, of those three, one has been recently incarcerated, another soon will be (if there's any justice at all), and the third is in a hell of her own making. Does that answer your question?

[Kolimar]

Originally posted by MattBrady
Crazy Judy: “This is the device with which we slice open the amniotic sac. What does it look like? Anyone?”

Nervous Dad: “Chopsticks?”

Crazy Judy: “Can anyone tell me how the wife gets pregnant? Anyone?”

Dads (in unison): “Yeah, it’s Benny the postman!”

Dads stop for a moment to look at each other. That’s quite a coincidence.

Heheheheheh :D

[Kolimar]

Originally posted by BlueThunderArmy
Well, of those three, one has been recently incarcerated, another soon will be (if there's any justice at all), and the third is in a hell of her own making. Does that answer your question?

:D

[Kolimar]

Originally posted by EubeenHadd
One of the funniest things I have read in awhile, now I can't get it out of my head, "Hi, I'm Troy Mcclure....." hehe

Yeah, that was priceless. :D

[naphtha]

great column again, keep it up!

[JLAJRC]

I LOVE THIS COLUMN.:) :D :p :cool:

[Paul Jenkins]

You have got to be kidding me... that was even better than the birthing video. "Hi... I'm Troy McClure. You might remember me from such Cesarian Section Instructional Videos as, 'Mommy's Secret Shame' and 'When Vaginal Delivery Goes Bad.'"

The way it works is this: Crazy Judy tells you not to watch because it might be disturbing. Your first impulse is to watch, and she knows it. Someone slices Mommy's gut open and they pull out the baby, followed by the uterus. They then proceed to EXAMINE the uterus while it lays propped up on mommy's belly because they can see inside it better that way! I learned from Crazy Judy that it is not named after Julius Caesar. It's probably named after her idol, Jack the Ripper. She wasn't clear about that.

[bairdduvessa]

the circle doesn't belong, the other two images are partly square!

[Spikey_Jim]

Originally posted by KyleV
Leeds United my rear end! Go Man. U! :)

(Just want to represent for the 50% of us who DID get that!)

Bah. You useless fools took two rounds to beat Burton Albion! I live in Burton and work at the club at the weekend, and you didn't have one player that cost less than the stadium! Good match on Wednesday in Manchester though.:D

Marching on together, etc!

Jim

[Spikey_Jim]

Originally posted by KyleV
Leeds United my rear end! Go Man. U! :)

(Just want to represent for the 50% of us who DID get that!)

Bah. You useless fools took two rounds to beat Burton Albion! I live in Burton and work at the club at the weekend, and you didn't have one player that cost less than the stadium! Good match on Wednesday in Manchester though.:D

Marching on together, etc!

Jim

[AraqnidM]

I love this collumn. Word to Big Bird!

"Finally, I have decided to write a Manifesto of Hatred sometime soon._ Can anyone tell me why Martha Stewart, Tom DeLay or Paris Hilton are not currently incarcerated?


Anyone?"

Uh...because their rich? Only poor people go to jail.

[SageA]

I told you I'd visit your page. Very funny! You're such a nutter. Tell Miss "Nigh Perfect" hello for me!! See you soon, Sage