FLOGGING A DEAD HORSE: THE GREATEST SHOW ON EARTH

[MattBrady]

<i>by Paul Jenkins</i>

Hello, chums. I want to start this week by apologizing for the terrible, awful, evil thing I am about to do to your lives. I am about to introduce you to a habit worse than heroin: The Bachelor, Monday nights on ABC.

Now I am not a big television watcher: that’s the nigh perfect wife’s job. To me, television is like a full contact sport: I yell at everything that comes onto the screen. I yell at the ads and the idiot sports commentators. I yell at CNN, I yell at the Home Shopping Network and I especially yell at Doctor Phil because he is sorely in need of my therapeutic boot up his non-therapeutic arse.

Nigh Perfect, on the other hand, watches an endless stream of horrible bloody self-improvement shows on the Learning Channel. Back when I was a kid, “learning” things meant studying the root causes of World War Two after the Treaty of Versailles, or what happens when you mix soluble starch with iodine over a Bunsen burner (it explodes and glues your eyeballs shut).

The educational landscape seems to have shifted. I am not sure what my wife has learned from watching four hundred consecutive shows of some poor bastard arriving home after a business trip to find their living room redecorated to look like someone puked avocado soup over it. But I digress.

Back to The Bachelor: now you’re probably wondering, “What the hell is he talking about? Isn’t Jenkins supposed to be a man’s man? Isn’t he, like, beloved by over two thirds of the world’s population?” The answer to all of these things is, of course, yes. But don't let looks deceive you, my friends. The Bachelor is television at its finest.

Click here (http://www.newsarama.com/general/Flogging/Flogging05.htm) for the full column.

[NightRiver]

Dayum! Spidey is a mean drunk!!

Im looking forward to that Darkness game. :)

[Bevbos]

I wonder what happens if you play different kinds of music… do they grown up with a completely different type of personality? What happens if I accidentally put in a Radiohead CD? Does he grow up to be a miserable bastard?

This is the funniest thing I've ever read on newsarama. That Spidey image is pretty funny too.

[Kusanagi]

"I especially yell at Doctor Phil because he is sorely in need of my therapeutic boot up his non-therapeutic arse."

The truth has been spoken.
Great column btw.;)

[Bllesed]

Best.Collumn.Ever ;)

I really like it, gread read.
Cheers!
:D

[KyleV]

Seriously, this could be my favorite thing to read at Newsarama these days. Great every week!

[BrotherI]

Paul, you're too funny for Newsarama.
:)

[HG_studios]

I ALREADY enjoy Paul Jenkins writing.

It's nice to know that I also share and enjoy his twisted sense of humor.

Long live the Bachelor! :D

[Mr Wesley]

Originally posted by Paul Jenkins
The educational landscape seems to have shifted. I am not sure what my wife has learned from watching four hundred consecutive shows of some poor bastard arriving home after a business trip to find their living room redecorated to look like someone puked avocado soup over it. But I digress. Hey! :mad:

"While You Were Out" is quality television, you miserable bastard!

;)

[BlueThunderArmy]

Awesome column. "Project: Runway" is also a terribly amusing show.

[JAG]

Originally posted by BlueThunderArmy
Awesome column. "Project: Runway" is also a terribly amusing show.

Love the lunatics on that show!!!

Great column

[roblewmac]

Originally posted by Kusanagi
"I especially yell at Doctor Phil because he is sorely in need of my therapeutic boot up his non-therapeutic arse."

The truth has been spoken.
Great column btw.;)
Now don't me wrong I LOVe Dr Phil as much as the next wheelchair using comic writer but have you ever noticed that his only real answer is "ya gotta change how ya think? Great but not real usefull in my case. Or i'm sure many others; old human fly comics aside I may think what I LIKE but jump out of my wheelchair and I FALL no mattr what my thoughts
www.howcomics.com

[RoiVampire]

these columns keep getting better and better, can't wait to hear what paul has in store for us with civil war

[mousefolk]

Another great, new to the airwaves is Flavor of Love, identical to Bachelor in format, except that it is Flavor Flav as the show's star. Yeah, boy.


Kevin

[rogue_tomato]

Nice article, keep'em coming! ;) :)

[Banana_Oil]

Originally posted by mousefolk
Another great, new to the airwaves is Flavor of Love, identical to Bachelor in format, except that it is Flavor Flav as the show's star. Yeah, boy.


Kevin

Oh good heavens, if Jenks is this giddy over The Bachelor, wait till he sees Flavor of Love...

[CParadise]

The funny thing is that the "Bachelor" bit does not fully describe the last 5 min of the show with the Crazy Jennifer. My wife made me watch too, and I am SOOOO glad I did. That Jennifer is something else, it's like watching a trainwreck and not being able to look away. INSANE. Best 5 min of Television in a long time.

Jenkins, you are brilliant. Thanks for the original "INHUMANS" mini, one of my favorite reads of all time.

[gabesummers]

come on PJ !!!the steelers are gonna dominate!!!!!



p.s go radiers!

[JLAJRC]

"In a supreme moment of Must-Cringe TV, Lance steadies his nerve, holds up his last rose and announces that Sarah B from Iowa will be his final choice of the evening. At this point, I like to put my Tivo into slow motion, much to the annoyance of my wife. You can literally see these poor women’s hearts shattering as they receive the awful news, and their hopes and dreams are dashed on the Rocks of Rejection. It is the funniest moment on television, and in slow motion, it is something to behold: it’s like watching the back break off a very tightly wound clock. Twelve million people across the nation watch through their fingers as Jennifer from Kansas gets the bad news that she’s uglier than twelve other women. She is not a happy camper."


This reminds me of the Simpsons episode where Lisa breaks up with Ralph Wiggum on the Krusty the Klown Show and Bart shows a slo-mo tape of the moment Ralph hearts breaks. Classic.

[JLAJRC]

“But I love you. We were going to have babies. My eggs are rotting.”


Best thing ever said on TV EVER. CLASSIC.

They might as well get it over with the Bachelor and just do porn version of one. You know that's what everyone wants to see anyway. A guy getting it on with 24 women and he chooses who is the best.

[Kurt Avery]

Just wanted to say I love the column. I love your work, Jenkins, and you seem like a nice guy. But then I saw something in your column that I just had to comment on.

You wrote "...I especially yell at Doctor Phil because he is sorely in need of my therapeutic boot up his non-therapeutic arse." I couldn't agree more there.

When I read "What happens if I accidentally put in a Radiohead CD? Does he grow up to be a miserable bastard?", that was just plain truth.

But then you said "Now that Fantasy Football season is over I am down to the business of rooting for my beloved Colts," I realized you were Rosemary's baby. Isn't the words "rooting", "beloved" and "Colts" all appearing in the same sentence the first sign of the Apocalypse? So which Horseman are you?

I always knew Spider-Man was an alcoholic, though. So then you were okay again.

Damn Colts fan.


KAB

[Dragonmarked]

Pure hilarity.

My favorite nutty reality show is Celebrity Fit Club. There's always one person who loses their cool on that show. Gary Busey, Willie Ames, Steve Tyler's Daughter whatsherface...

And they're fat! I can't believe how fat the chick from Weird Science got! Man, she was so hot...

The Darkness game sounds like it's going to be interesting. I'll definitely check it out. I've been thinking about getting back into some of the Top Cow books. My girlfriend still gets Witchblade. I wouldn't mind giving Cyberforce another chance.

That's a cool spidey costume, too. I'd like to find a good DD costume.

[mmurphy1968]

Holy Crap! I think I just peed myself

And the four 22oz Guiness an 5 shots of Jameson have nothing to d o with it. That FUNNY stuff!!!!!

[skiteman]

is that the SPIDER-MAN from the ELECTRIC COMPANY all passed out like that......guess it's been a long time since he's had work!